Splooge – No longer just on your socks


So this is my first blog post…and it’s about sperm.  Mom would be proud.

I ran across an interesting product on a website earlier while looking for a pair of Back to the Future-style self-lacing sneakers.  Don’t ask, I just need them.  Anyway, all I could find was Nike’s attempt at an “inspired by” shoe endorsed by an alleged rapist.

So I’m looking at this website describing the ’08 release of these $2,000 “Hyperdunks” (great, I’d need a fucking time machine just to get them) and before my mind can wander far enough to get the complete image of Kobe dunking on a tremoring Teen Wolf or Biff trying to rape a teen Mrs. McFly at the high school dance, this little swimmer pops into my field of vision.  It’s a sperm logo!  On a shoe!  And I just got an eye full of its semantic advertising.  I am very anti-semantic advertising by the way.  They’re just so effing greedy!  Spying on me while I surf just to sell me something.    Of course I click on the ad anyway hoping for some sort of condom-ousting contraceptive footwear so full-proof it comes with a “we’ll pay for the abortion if it fails” guarantee.  Here’s what I found:  Splooge Shoe.

Um…ok.  It’s a splooge shoe with springs.  Probably metal springs that will surely fail at some point ripping into my heel and tearing out my Achilles tendon mid-stride.  So what’s with the cartoonish sperm logo?  Is it to remind me to pull out in case I randomly spot my shoe from across the room at just the right moment?  Nope.  According to the homepage of this website it’s “because it’s cool!” 

Really?  I mean I know branding something (or someone) with your seed may sound cool kids, but believe me, it can only lead to trouble.  Who does this company think they are?  You can’t just come out and say your product is cool.  That’s what celebrity endorsers are for.   I need a basketball player to drive around in a DeLorean and ram your shoes down my throat you lazy assholes.

What’s that?  You do have a celebrity endorser?  Yes they do.  Clicking on the press page reveals that it’s…yup none other than Bruce Vilanch.  Those must be some strong springs.

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