It was a big night at the Grammys for Adele. The singer won best album, best record and best single, as well as 53 other meaningless trophies. Adele says she plans to keep her favorites then melt down the rest of the awards and sell them to Cash4Gold. Lady Gaga was quoted as saying, “I’d wear that.” Bruno Mars and Paris Hilton added, “Can I sniff that?” However, the most controversial statement came from Chris Brown asking, “Can I hit that, or is it too hot?” Glenn Beck was still at a Country Music Awards after party and was unavailable for comments.
Adele’s dominating performance came as a surprise to many, who have never even heard of Adele due to little or no air play, lack of MTV coverage, and months of cancelled tour dates as a result of a vocal chord hemorrhage. At the end of the night, International Federation of Eating competitor Eric “Chuy” Chimney was recorded saying, “She might not be able to swallow, but she sure can spit… lyrics.” At a press conference after the show, Adele was barely able to contain her excitement or hold her plethora of awards. Jennifer Hudson suggested, “Bitch, put those things in yo’ titties!” Aretha Franklin agreed.
The 56 Grammy’s now all but guarantee that all radio stations, even alt-rock, will retire Foster the People’s Pumped Up Kicks in exchange for Rolling in the Grease.
In other news, 25 Syrians were killed as government forces attempted to break up a protest in Damascus. Unfortunately, none of these protestors were able to see Adele’s Grammy performance prior to being killed.