It’s that time of year when I really begin to hate my co-workers, the building, and my job. Holiday music is supposed to be fun, nostalgic, and give you the feeling of the season. Unfortunately, the season starts being shoved down our throats (and earholes) before we even have our Halloween costumes picked out.
Since I now hate Christmas music so much I decided to compile a list of the worst of the worst. Bah fucking humbug.
(note: I’m well aware new garbage recordings are released every year, but for the sake of my sanity I am only going to rank older versions and the classics).
10) Santa Claus Is Coming to Town – Bruce Springsteen
Can you even understand what he is trying to mutter out? Sounds like an old man singing while taking a shit. Also, Santa doesn’t ever visit Jersey.
9) Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer – Elmo & Patsy
The Blue Collar Comedy Tour of Christmas songs. It’s fine when you hear it that first time but gets annoying fast.
8) The Twelve Days of Christmas – Bob and Doug McKenzie
Much like the last song, this one is fun at first but gets old quick.It has become the quintessential Christmas parody song.
7) Little Drummer Boy – David Bowie and Bing Crosby
The combination of these singers seems forced and comes off awkward. Plus they didn’t even kiss (like Bowie and Jagger).
6) Baby It’s Cold Outside
The song is known as date-rapey now, and yet it is celebrated as a classic and ‘re-imagined’ every year by the latest hip artist to cut a Christmas album. I don’t care how hip you are, you can’t make this song sound less aggressive (or good).
5) Santa Baby
My mom would get drunk on Brandy and Ouzo then play this song again and again (as if it weren’t terrible enough one time, imagine 36).
4) Any Christmas Parody Song
There are so many of them, and they are all so bad. They usually involve farts, dad being Santa Claus/mom cheating or Ray Stevens.
3) Do They Know It’s Christmas? – Band Aid
What started as a hokey attempt to raise awareness for Ethiopia (and further inflate Bob Geldof’s ego) turned into a massive hit, and part of our holiday tradition. The song is bland, and the message is ill-conceived so here it sits on my naughty list.
2) Wonderful Christmas Time – Paul McCartney and Wings
How did this shit come from one of the Beatles (and not Ringo)? This is Sir Paul McCartney! This terrible ear worm combines the Christmas day sound of a kid pounding on his new keyboard with some repetitive lyrics from McCartney. The result is a tune that lulls you into complacency.
1) All I want for Christmas is You – Mariah Carey
I hate this song for all the wrong reasons. Mainly, because it is the first out of the pipe come November one. Also, it is the anthem of every basic white suburban mom.